A retired officer goes to a shopp<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper,<\/p>\n
\u201cGive me 742 grains of green gram.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer. Customer asks him, \u201cAre there really 742 grains in this packing?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Youngster replies, \u201cOf course, you can go home and count. My dad has counted and established that each kilo of green gram comprises of 3710 grains.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Therefore, for 200 grams, it should contain 742 grains.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Customer gets even more curious and asks the youngster, \u201cWhat does your dad do?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Youngster replies: \u201cHe is also retired, like you.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
================================<\/p>\n
A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service. Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It\u2019s waking us and our kids up.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cOh!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won\u2019t happy again.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you so much, sir\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor; removes his right boot and- \u201cWait a minute\u2026 this is what they were talking about, isn\u2019t it?\u201d he says to himself in his drunken stupor.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed. An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes \u2013<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cSIR!<\/p>\n
Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?\u201d<\/p>\n
================================
Allan retired in his early 50\u2019s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn\u2019t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.<\/p>\n
But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk. \u201cAllan, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allan replied, \u201cYes, sir, I know.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sorry, but I am working on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what I like to hear,\u201d his boss said. \u201cHowever, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn\u2019t that correct?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.<\/p>\n
I did retire from the Air Force, and I\u2019m mighty proud of it!\u201d said Allan. \u201cWell, what did they say when you came in late?\u201d asked his boss. \u201cThey said, \u2018Good morning, General\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie\u2019s house
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie\u2019s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris.<\/p>\n
The officer politely explained, \u201cMa\u2019am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn\u2019t find his way home.\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris and said, \u201cLost? You\u2019ve been going to that park for 30 years! How\u2019d you get lost today?\u201d<\/p>\n
Leaning in close so the officer couldn\u2019t hear, Grandpa whispered, \u201cI wasn\u2019t lost.<\/p>\n
I was just too tired to walk home.\u201d<\/p>\n
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks. The officer says sternly, \u201cSir, you can\u2019t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man nods, agrees, and drives off.<\/p>\n
The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still full of ducks\u2014but this time, all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again and exclaims, \u201cI thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man grins and replies, \u201cI did! But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud.<\/p>\n
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud. He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he\u2019s done, he returns to the bar and orders three more.<\/p>\n
Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, \u201cYou know, beer goes flat pretty quick after it\u2019s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy smiles and explains, \u201cWell, here\u2019s the thing. I\u2019ve got two brothers\u2014one in Arizona, the other in Colorado.<\/p>\n
When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we\u2019d each have one for the others, just like we did back home. So, I\u2019m drinking for my brothers and myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that. The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.<\/p>\n
One day, though, he walks in and only orders two mugs. The regulars, noticing the change, go quiet. When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss.<\/p>\n
I just wanted to offer my condolences.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy looks confused for a second, then bursts out laughing. \u201cOh no, no one\u2019s passed away!\u201d he chuckles. \u201cIt\u2019s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking.<\/p>\n
But my brothers are still going strong!\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL!! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!<\/p>\n
An Old Cowboy Gets 3 Wishes
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. He\u2019s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls towards the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.<\/p>\n
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress.<\/p>\n
There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. \u201cWell, old cowboy,\u201d said the genie\u2026 \u201cYou know how I work.<\/p>\n
You have three wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not falling for this, says the old man. \u201cI\u2019m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you have to lose? You have no transportation, and it looks like you are a goner anyway!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right.<\/p>\n
Shazam! \u201cOK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam! The old cowboy is in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.<\/p>\n
OK, old boy, what\u2019s your second wish?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy second wish is for me to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam! The old man is surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. \u201cOkay, cowpuncher, you just have one wish.<\/p>\n
Better make it a good one!\u201d<\/p>\n
After a few minutes of thinking, the man says. \u201cI wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam! He is turned into a t-a.mpon.<\/p>\n
Moral of the story<\/p>\n
If the government offers you anything, there\u2019s going to be a string attached. +\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
How much money did I have? Puzzles can come in many \u201cflavors.\u201d Today, there are millions to pick from online.<\/p>\n
It can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions \u2013 and even a classic old riddle. Riddles are very popular here, so here comes one. Here comes the old riddle.<\/p>\n
How Much Money Did I Have? The riddle says:<\/p>\n
I had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.<\/p>\n
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars. I had another 5 dollars. How much money did I have?<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll report the correct answer below. A<\/p>\n
B<\/p>\n
C<\/p>\n
Here is the correct answer
Have you come up with an answer? Take a deep breath and concentrate, the answer might be easier than you think.<\/p>\n
Maybe there is something you are missing in this old riddle? After the picture below, you can see if you got the right solution. The answer is 18 Dollars.<\/p>\n
You can get a hint in the question that it basically asks how much money \u201cDID\u201d I have? This means it is asking about how much YOU had. Not how much you received from anyone.<\/p>\n
So, the money you had is 18 dollars. (Since this answers to the question, stating the amount of money you had apart from the money received by you by your parents and relatives.)<\/p>\n
Therefore, you had 13 dollars and another 5 dollars originally with you, which sums up to 18 dollars. Clever, right?<\/p>\n
You have to think outside the box to come up with the answer. \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They\u2019ve been married for 55 years.<\/p>\n
The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they\u2019re both sipping lukewarm tea, watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard. Out of the blue, Edna sighs and says, \u201cBert, let\u2019s talk about our bucket lists.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert raises an eyebrow. \u201cBucket lists?<\/p>\n
Edna, I\u2019m 87. My list is down to \u2018wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna chuckles. \u201cNo, I\u2019m serious.<\/p>\n
Before we go, we should each do something we\u2019ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert thinks for a moment. \u201cAlright, fine. I\u2019ve always wanted to go skydiving.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna\u2019s eyes widen.<\/p>\n
\u201cSkydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert shrugs. \u201cWell, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor\u2019s garden.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve always wanted to haunt him.\u201d<\/p>\n
They laugh, and Edna nods. \u201cOkay, okay. You go skydiving.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll do mine too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert squints. \u201cAnd what\u2019s yours?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna suddenly gets this mischievous sparkle in her eye \u2014 the same one she had back in 1965 when she \u201caccidentally\u201d dropped Bert\u2019s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument. \u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert gulps.<\/p>\n
\u201cConfess what?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna leans closer and whispers, \u201cYou know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert nods. \u201cYeah, blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it was me. I jammed a spatula in the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in \u201989.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert gasps. \u201cYou monster!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna giggles.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark channel, no matter what button you pressed?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert blinks. \u201cYou said it was haunted!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna smirks. \u201cNope.<\/p>\n
I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert\u2019s mouth drops open. \u201cWhy would you do that?!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna sips her tea, serene.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.\u201d<\/p>\n
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing and says, \u201cYou know what, Edna? I\u2019ve got a confession too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d she says. \u201cYou remember my \u2018fishing trips\u2019 every Saturday for ten years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna eyes him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t fish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know,\u201d Bert says proudly. \u201cI was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies.<\/p>\n
They\u2019re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna stares at him in disbelief. \u201cYou mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!\u201d<\/p>\n
They both burst into laughter. And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they now go bowling together \u2014 mostly to keep an eye on each other.<\/p>\n
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car a.c.cident and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Thanks to the wife\u2019s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in great shape for the last decade. St.<\/p>\n
Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion\u2014complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table. \u201cWow! How much does this cost?\u201d the husband asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing,\u201d St. Peter replied. \u201cThis is Heaven\u2014everything is free!\u201d<\/p>\n
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world\u2019s most elite greens.<\/p>\n
\u201cIncredible!\u201d the wife said. \u201cAnd the green fees?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFree,\u201d St. Peter chuckled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is Heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then, they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast\u2014Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream. The husband, still skeptical, asked, \u201cOkay\u2026 but how much?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, for the last time\u2026 FREE. This is Heaven!\u201d<\/p>\n
The husband hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026 do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?\u201d<\/p>\n
St. Peter laughed. \u201cIn Heaven, you\u2019ll never gain weight or get sick.<\/p>\n
Eat whatever you want!\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong??\u201d his wife asked, confused. He pointed at her and yelled, \u201cTHIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!<\/p>\n
If it weren\u2019t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!!! LOL!! Hope this joke will make you smile!<\/p>\n
Have a nice day!! \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
Little Johnny failed his math test. Father: \u201cWhy did you fail your mathematics test?\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnny: \u201cOn Monday, the teacher said 3+5=8.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father: \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnny: \u201cOn Tuesday, she said 4+4=8<\/p>\n
And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
..<\/p>\n
. If she can\u2019t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?\u201d<\/p>\n
==================================<\/p>\n
Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over $50000.<\/p>\n
Benjamin was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released. The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Benjamin said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.<\/p>\n
The warden said \u201csure\u201d and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing.<\/p>\n
To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor. The warden asked Benjamin what happened. Benjamin said it didn`t work right and he got mad.<\/p>\n
He said it would not even complete the simplest task. The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Benjamin said he just wanted one thing from the computer.<\/p>\n
One simple task and it could not do it. Benjamin said, \u201cI hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
The right answerr.<\/p>\n
The teacher said, \u201cI\u2019ll give 2 dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.\u201d
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, \u201cIt was St. Patrick.\u201d The teacher said, \u201cSorry Sean, that\u2019s not correct.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, \u201cIt was Napoleon.\u201d The teacher replied, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pierre, that\u2019s not right either.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, \u201cIt was Jesus Christ.\u201d The teacher said, \u201cThat\u2019s absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I\u2019ll give you 2 dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, \u201cYou know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
Maurice replied, \u201cYeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman was very rich and the man was poor but honest.<\/p>\n
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night he had been a little more tender than usual. \u201cYou are very rich,\u201d he ventured.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d she replied frankly, I\u2019m worth 1.25 million dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019m poor,\u201d he replied. \u201cWill you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you would say no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why did you ask me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, just to see how a man feels when he loses 1.25 million dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office
and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat desk is going for $5000,\u201d says the shopkeeper. \u201c$5000 for an old desk? That\u2019s outrageous!\u201d exclaims Stanley.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh,\u201d says the shopkeeper, \u201cbut this is a magic desk.\u201d He turns to the desk and asks, \u201cDesk, how much money do I have in my pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there. \u201cWow, that\u2019s pretty cool,\u201d says Stan.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?\u201d<\/p>\n
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. \u201cDarn, where did she get all THAT from?\u201d wonders Stanley. The desk\u2019s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A Texan Farmer Goes To Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia. There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation. The Australian shows off his large wheat field, and the Texan says:<\/p>\n
\u201cOh!<\/p>\n
We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan farmer immediately said:<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.\u201d<\/p>\n
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, \u201cAnd what are those\u201d?<\/p>\n
The Australian responds with an incredulous look,<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!! A government man approaches a pig farmer one day.<\/p>\n
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer answers: \u201cOh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man is shocked, he says, \u201cSir, this is animal cruelty!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer replies: \u201cOh the pigs? Only the best products, sir!<\/p>\n
Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!\u201d<\/p>\n
The man is shocked, he says, \u201cSir, the food is way too rich for them, they\u2019ll get sick! I\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer answers: \u201cOh the pigs?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL!! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A Man and Smart Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for a year. Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50. \u201cWell,\u201d he thinks, \u201cit\u2019s always better than nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
A year passes in this way until the man\u2019s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s going on now?\u201d The beggar asks his donor. \u201cFirst you give me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1, what\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d the man says, \u201cmy eldest son went to college last year. It\u2019s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs.<\/p>\n
This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how many children do you have?\u201d Asks the beggar. \u201cFour,\u201d the man replies. \u201cWell,\u201d says the beggar, \u201cI hope you don\u2019t plan to educate them all at my expense.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two Beggars in London
Two beggars in London.<\/p>\n
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London. Habib begs just as long as Ali does but only gets \u00a32 to \u00a33 every day.<\/p>\n
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of \u00a310 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Habib asks Ali, \u201cI work as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of \u00a310 notes every day?\u2019<\/p>\n
Ali says, \u201cLook at your sign, what does it say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Habib\u2019s sign reads, \u201cI have no job, a wife, and 6 kids to support. Ali says No wonder you only get \u00a32- \u00a33<\/p>\n
Habib says, \u201cSo what does your sign say?\u2019<\/p>\n
Ali shows his sign to Habib.<\/p>\n
It reads,<\/p>\n
\u201cI only need another \u00a310 to move back to my country.\u2019<\/p>\n
LOL! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, \u201cDear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home<\/p>\n
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.\u201d<\/p>\n
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man\u2019s wish.<\/p>\n
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat\u2019s litter box and bathed the dog.<\/p>\n
Then it was already 1 p.m and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.<\/p>\n
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed<\/p>\n
At 9 p.m<\/p>\n
he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren\u2019t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to have a \u201cgreat time\u201d with his wife\u2014 which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, \u201cLord, I don\u2019t know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy my wife\u2019s being able to stay home all day.<\/p>\n
Please, oh please, let us trade back.\u201d The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
.. . You\u2019ll have to wait 9 months, though You got pregnant last night!\u201d
=========<\/p>\n
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.<\/p>\n
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, \u201cLet\u2019s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n
The guy with the Chihuahua says, \u201cWe can\u2019t go in there. We\u2019ve got dogs with us.\u201d<\/p>\n
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \u201cJust follow my lead.\u201d<\/p>\n
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, \u201cSorry, mac, no pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
This is my seeing-eye-dog.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bouncer says, \u201cA Doberman Pinscher?\u201d<\/p>\n
He answers, \u201cYes, they\u2019re using them now; they\u2019re very good and protect me from robbers, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man at the door says, \u201cCome on in.\u201d<\/p>\n
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, \u201cWhat the heck!\u201d He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, \u201cSorry, pal, no pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n
The guy with the Chihuahua says, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bouncer at the door says, \u201cA Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man with the Chihuahua says, \u201cA Chihuahua?<\/p>\n
They gave me a Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A customer left his cell phone in a store
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at \u201cMom\u201d and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d she said, \u201cI\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.<\/p>\n
It was \u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
.. . \u201cMartin,\u201d she said, \u201cyou left your cell phone at the convenience store.\u201d<\/p>\n
======<\/p>\n
Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.<\/p>\n
Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.<\/p>\n
Barman asks, \u201cIs there anything the matter, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n
Chap replies, \u201cI had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won\u2019t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.\u201d<\/p>\n
Barman says, \u201cBest bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don\u2019t let this argument carry on passed the first night.<\/p>\n
Nip it in the bud.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chap says, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is the last night.\u201d<\/p>\n
=====<\/p>\n
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil. After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me,\u201d she said, \u201cbut can I buy a longer dipstick?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, ma\u2019am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause this one isn\u2019t long enough to reach the oil.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland<\/p>\n
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced \u201cOne of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer.<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t worry; we still have three engines.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced \u201cOne more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don\u2019t worry we still have two engines left\u201d. An hour later the captain announced, \u201cOne more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer.<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t worry we have one engine left\u201d. \u2026<\/p>\n
.. .<\/p>\n
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said \u201cIf we lose one more engine, we\u2019ll be up here all day\u201d<\/p>\n
============================================<\/p>\n
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking. One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: \u201cIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her husband didn\u2019t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines.<\/p>\n
She stuffed them in her husband\u2019s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d asked the wife. \u201cYou were right! My intestines did come out, but don\u2019t worry honey \u2013 after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.\u201d<\/p>\n
================================
Michael\u2019s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old,<\/p>\n
goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.<\/p>\n
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the \u201cmiracle\u201d products, she asks her husband \u2013 \u201cDarling, honestly, if you didn\u2019t know me, what age would you say I am?\u201d<\/p>\n
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cJudging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you flatterer!\u201d she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:<\/p>\n
\u201cWHOA, hold on there sweetie\u2026 I haven\u2019t added them up yet!\u201d<\/p>\n
P.S \u2013 Please let us know if you\u2019ve seen him, we\u2019re very worried. \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
An irate father stormed into the principal\u2019s office.<\/p>\n
An irate father stormed into the principal\u2019s office:<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll get your Winslow\u2019s English teacher in here. I\u2019m sure she has some explanation.\u201d the principal said<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the English teacher come in. \u201cWhy did you give Winslow a zero on his test?\u201d demanded the father.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had no choice,\u201d said the schoolmarm. \u201cHe handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s no excuse,\u201d shouted the father. \u2026<\/p>\n
..<\/p>\n
. \u201cYou could have at least given him an \u2018A\u2019 for neatness!\u201d<\/p>\n
==============================<\/p>\n
Machine and Bottle. After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.<\/p>\n
They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled. The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured. Tom spoke up, \u201cI don\u2019t want my life regulated by some machine.<\/p>\n
I just can\u2019t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sarah took Tom\u2019s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom\u2019s beer. \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping<\/p>\n
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.<\/p>\n
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, \u201cHmmm\u2026. That\u2019s funny.<\/p>\n
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills. \u201cThe boy quickly replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right, lady. \u2026<\/p>\n
.. .<\/p>\n
The last time I found a lady\u2019s purse, she didn\u2019t have any chance for a reward.\u201d<\/p>\n
LOLLLL, did you laugh? we hope you enjoy this joke. Have a nice day!<\/p>\n
You are loved! ====================================<\/p>\n
First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss! A man starts his first day as a trainee at a big corporate empire.<\/p>\n
Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry. \u201cGet me a coffee, quickly!\u201d he demands. But\u2014oops!<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t dial the pantry. A voice on the other end snaps back, \u201cYou fool! You\u2019ve dialed the wrong extension!<\/p>\n
Do you even know who you\u2019re talking to, dumbo?!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d the trainee replies. The voice on the other end huffs, \u201cIt\u2019s the CEO of the company, you fool!\u201d<\/p>\n
The trainee thinks for a second, then shouts back, \u201cAnd do you know who YOU\u2019RE talking to, you fool?!\u201d<\/p>\n
The CEO, now totally confused, asks, \u201cNo, who?\u201d<\/p>\n
The trainee replies, \u201cGood!\u201d and hangs up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A retired officer goes to a shopp A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, \u201cGive me 742 grains of green… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1863,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3156","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3156"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3156\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3157,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3156\/revisions\/3157"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1863"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toppressnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}